05 · Why Do Rational People Easier To Fall into Obsessions?
A Self-Help Guide to the "Zeigarnik Effect" in the Era of Ambiguity
What does it feel like to be 20? For me, it is a stage of rapid growth and swift iterations of self-awareness. In this process of constant self-reinvention, I have heard and experienced countless stories of "not being able to let go." Yet, what resonates with me most is not the partners who drift apart after a long-term marathon, but those "nameless territories where things never truly started, yet felt like being lost a hundred times."
From late last year to early this year, my emotional life was also full of twists and turns, inevitably leading to self-pity. But recently, while talking about similar topics with a friend and looking back on this experience, I suddenly realized: this is not my personal "emotional anomaly," but a highly prevalent social syndrome among today's youth. Many of us, without realizing it, have fallen into similar predicaments.
I. The Beginning: The One Who Stopped at "Almost Started"
In the beginning, everything happened perfectly. There was an incredible resonance between us; we could talk about any topic, and there was a strong mutual attraction. We expressed our feelings for each other, making it seem like a beautiful relationship would naturally unfold. Yet, just when things seemed to be going most smoothly and the relationship was about to move forward, the other person suddenly took a step back. There was no quarrel, no explicit rejection—only a suffocating "freezing sensation." Their messages slowed down, from instant replies to an hour, a day, or even two days later. Carefully planned meetings were repeatedly postponed or canceled. The relationship entered a strange, hovering state of ambiguity.
The psychological experience within this state was devastating. Like someone possessed, I couldn't eat or sleep. At two or three in the morning, I couldn't stop myself from checking their social media, obsessively tracking every interaction. Before sending every message, I would hesitate for ages, overthinking every word, terrified of a slow reply or saying something that might put them off. I didn't even dare to ask a simple "How have you been?" out of fear that caring too much would push them further away, preventing us from even remaining friends. Even though I rationally knew this state was extremely unhealthy, I couldn't detach myself emotionally. Finally, to save face, I even lied and said I didn't care how they treated me and just wanted to stay friends.
Later I understood: Often, our obsession with someone isn't because they are perfect, but because the uncertainty of the relationship is frantically stimulating our brains.
II. Psychological Mechanisms: Why "Hot and Cold" Is Most Addictive?
When we try to use rational logic to deconstruct immense inner pain, we often find that it is actually a scam of brain neurotransmitters.
1. Full Activation of Anxious Attachment: In a stable, secure relationship, one's emotions are steady. However, the withdrawal of an avoidant partner instantly triggers our underlying anxious attachment mechanism. We start frantically attributing the cause inward: "Did I do something wrong?" "Am I not good enough?" Our alarm system is pulled, perceiving the other's withdrawal as a survival threat.
2. Intermittent Reinforcement: This is the most addictive mechanism in psychology. Why are "hot and cold" relationships more addictive than stable ones? Imagine a slot machine in a casino. If you won every time—or lost every time—you would quickly get bored. But if you don't know if the next coin will bring nothing or a pile of gold, you stay seated. When someone gives you intense responses one moment and disappears the next, your brain constantly anticipates the next "reward." What many are obsessed with is often no longer the person themselves, but the dopamine surge caused by the feeling of "almost having it, yet losing it."
3. The Binding of Sunk Cost: As the tears shed at midnight, the repeatedly edited drafts, and the forgiveness offered after being stood up accumulate, your "sunk cost" in this relationship expands infinitely. The more you suffer, the less willing you are to let go, because letting go means admitting that all previous investment has gone down the drain.
III. Macro Perspective: "Love-Incapacity" Under Modern Social Structures
When we step out of individual pain and observe from a broader perspective, we find that this "ambiguity" is not a moral flaw of a few individuals, but a syndrome of the alienation of modern intimacy. Why is this phenomenon increasingly common today?
1. Commitment Phobia Under Choice Overload: Social media and dating apps have created an illusion of "infinite supply" for modern people. In this system, people are simplified into tags to be swiped left or right. Because of the feeling that "maybe the next one is better" or there is higher "social credit," more and more people are unwilling to truly enter a commitment. To them, commitment no longer feels like a sanctuary, but a "cage" representing the loss of other possibilities.
2. De-institutionalization of Intimacy: In the past, the path of love was clear: meet, fall in love, establish a relationship, and move toward stability. Today, we have invented countless terms to dilute responsibility: Talking stage, Situationship, Ambiguous relationship. Relationships are indefinitely extended and stalled in a "state of uncertainty." People enjoy the intimacy provided by a partner while refusing to bear the responsibility of one.
3. Commercialization of Intimacy: In a fast-paced modern society, love has somewhat become a form of consumer behavior. People pursue novelty, instant emotional value, and short-term experiences. Once the novelty fades or the pain of adjustment arises, they choose to "return the goods" or "abandon the account" rather than choosing long-term, patient construction together.
IV. The Peak of Obsession: Why Are "Unfinished Relationships" the Hardest to Forget?
What is most heartbreaking is often not a seven-year marriage that died naturally, but the two-month ambiguity that ended before it truly began. There is a concept in psychology called the "Zeigarnik effect"—people naturally tend to forget completed tasks but remember unfinished ones vividly.
A relationship that lands in reality will inevitably expose human weaknesses, the trivialities of life, and mutual friction. But unfinished relationships forever stay in the most beautiful "honeymoon phase." Because it didn't continue, the brain automatically uses imagination to complete the most perfect ending. The path we didn't choose to take always seems to have better scenery under the filter of regret. What we fall in love with is the mythicized, forever unreachable destination.
V. The Real Issues to Face: The Courage to Look Inward
When you find yourself spiraling into a frantic obsession over someone or a memory, writing your thoughts down and asking yourself a few extremely realistic questions is much better than having a mess in your head:
- Do I truly like this person, or can I just not accept the frustration of "not getting them"?
- If you truly got together, given the way the other person currently handles conflict and avoids responsibility, would you really be happy?
- Is what this relationship brings you nourishment and growth, or endless internal friction and exhaustion?
We often feel that if we just find the answer to "why they suddenly grew cold," we can obtain peace (Closure). But the truth is, often there is no logic in emotions. Even if you get an answer, it won't make things better.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Now
In this modern crisis of intimacy, perhaps what we truly need to learn is never "how to use all the tricks to get someone," but rather—how to protect our own emotional energy in an uncertain relationship.
The past has happened and cannot be pre-set; we can only grasp the power of now. Don't let the sunk cost of one thing expand infinitely. Always set an emotional deadline for yourself and choose the right time to move on.
Some people are like a pair of extremely beautiful, expensive high heels in a window, destined to be fleeting exhibits. You might be captivated at first sight and unable to put them down, but when you actually wear them, they will only leave your feet bleeding and won't take you on a long journey. The ones that can truly accompany you across mountains and seas, walking steadily and far, are often the pair of flats that look less stunning but fit your feet perfectly.
There is an old saying in China: even the sharpest blade, if it doesn't fit your hand, is hard to use for a lifetime.
Wear comfortable shoes, and love those who respond.
See you later.
— Maggie
Beijing · 7 March 2026